Bored at 37000 feet: Warren Prentice finds novel ways to defeat the tedium of a long flight.

“I’m bored! I’m the Chairman of the bored!”, so sang Iggy Pop in 1979 and, moving into the 11th hour of a 14 hour flight, I know exactly what he meant. I might not be the Chairman but I’ve definitely got a truck load of shares.

Now, I realise that international air travel is a privilege and that I am very lucky to be able to go on holiday now and then. I realise that the modern flying experience is much safer and generally comfier than it used to be. I also realise that by indulging my travel obsession I am personally contributing to damaging CO2 build-up and environmental degradation. I realise all these things. I get it - “First World problems” and all that. Still, I am SOOOOoooo bored.

It’s the final leg of a return trip from London to New Zealand, the 14-hour “hop” from Singapore to Heathrow. Don’t get me wrong, the trip itself was amazing and Singapore Airlines are great, but this is now the fourth long distance flight I have taken with them in less than a month. This means I have pretty much exhausted all the options the in-flight entertainment can throw at me.

Hang on, I hear you say. You’re bored when they’re offering you over 800 film and TV choices, in several languages, over 300 music albums across every genre, games, news coverage and even a bloody whale music chill out CD?

Yes, like I said, I’m bored. The reality is that, although most quality airlines do their best, they can’t even begin to cover every passenger’s individual taste in entertainment. They have to find a happy median where most people find at least something suitable. The trouble is that, four flights in, I’ve run out of “something suitable” and am left contemplating having to count my own toes.

Back in the day it was arguably worse. The last time I flew to New Zealand was in 2001. Younger readers may not realise, but this was back when cabin staff literally pressed play on a VHS (or DVD if you were lucky) and everybody on board sat and watched the same film.

Then, as now, new release Hollywood blockbusters were a popular choice for airlines. Flying to New Zealand and back involved 5 major flights and on every single one we were treated to Mel Gibson starring in “What Women Want”. I didn’t particularly enjoy it the first time, but five times? Really?

This, of course, explains my irrational dislike of Mel Gibson. Was I the only one cheering when he gets dismembered at the end of “Braveheart”?

So, maybe things have improved nearly twenty years on but, on long flights, I find myself watching and listening to stuff I would never normally go near – like guilty pleasures.

For those that don’t know, a “guilty pleasure” is a TV show, movie or piece of music that you love but feel a bit embarrassed to admit that it’s a favourite. I’m so bored on this trip that I strip mine the audio entertainment for naff tracks I secretly love, and immediately hit pay dirt. Here’s my “Bored at 37000 feet” Guilty Pleasure Top 5 countdown:

5. Carole King – It’s too late

4. Guns ‘n’ Roses – Paradise City

3. The Eagles - On the border

2. Billy Joel - More than woman

1. Barry Manilow - Mandy

That’s 35 years of “Indie Cool” blown in one paragraph. Guilty as charged your honour!

Not only am I bored, but it’s dark. I hate night flights. I find it impossible to sleep on a plane. My body is convinced it’s only two in the afternoon. I’m too tall, the seat is too small and too upright. The aircraft bounces around in the turbulence, cabin staff are up and down the aisle doing their job and some noisy git is yapping away loudly to his friend three seats away. Apart from that, sleeping should be easy.

A member of the cabin crew sees my plight. “Would you like something to help you sleep, sir?” She hands me a small nylon zip-up pouch which contains an eye shade and what, from their size, shape and slightly squidgy consistency, appear to be two bright orange suppositories.

After a moment’s reflection, the fog of jetlagged travel lifts and, saving myself from what could have been a very uncomfortable night, I realise that they actually ear plugs. At least that’s what I decide to use them as.

Earplugs?

Question – If you used earplugs as suppositories would you be able to fart completely silently? What a super power that would be. (Note to self: consider raising levels of potential super power aspirations).

I try to think positive. I must have been way more bored than this on loads of other occasions – some weddings I’ve attended, waiting at the doctor’s, watching more than 30 seconds of “Pointless”.

What else can I do? I get desperate and start counting my significant bodily scars. Six, in case you were interested, but then this only works for me because I’m very accident-prone.

We are flying over Russia at present, a country I have nothing against particularly, apart from its size. Big countries make long flights even duller. Most long haul airlines provide a live map of where the flight is headed and where it’s currently positioned. This is a great anti-boredom tool as passing from one country to another gives a sense of progress. Progress stalls, however, when you’re over the same country for several hours.

To be fair, Russia is not the only offender. China, Canada, Kazakhstan & Australia are all nominees for the “longest time flying with nothing to see” award. Initially flying over Australia’s centre is exciting but, after staring at a series of dead flat, brick red and poo brown rocks for 4 hours, you realise that Oz is, in fact, the world’s biggest patio.

So, what tips do I have to relieve boredom on long flights? Well, you could always write something for Travelwrite. This piece has taken me about an hour. Great, that’s 11 hours down since Singapore! What do I now for the next 2 hours 50?